London sunrise

London branded world’s friendliest city

London has been declared the title of World’s Friendliest City by Niceness Bureau International (NBI). 

An irrevocable counting error resulted in the UK’s capital winning 100% of the vote, to the shock and confusion of attendees.

Millicent Murdering-Flunk, 48, vice-chair of the NBI’s chattiness and high-fives department, said that while the error may have slightly altered the result, it was still perfectly possible that the city could have won without it.

Murdering-Flunk said: “The world has become much meaner in the past decade, that has to be taken into account when looking at these admittedly surprising results.

“So even if London remains a four out of ten on the friendliness scale, this could still be nicer than more traditionally pleasant metropoles such as Paris or Pyongyang.”

View of the Houses of Parliament
Legally speaking, there is nowhere friendlier than London

The news has been celebrated by Brent security guard Roberto T Johnsson, 67, three time winner of the city’s Friendliest Man Award.

When asked his opinion, Johnsson coughed slightly, fiddled with his jacket buttons and stared down at his shuffling feet in hope that we would go talk to someone else.

Johnsson said: “Sorry mate, I’d love to help out but… ” before trailing off and skulking away.

The news had met with mixed opinion from the broader public, with the Keep London Standoffish Campaign (KLSC) responding with muted outrage.

The pressure group hopes to protest outside NBI’s Chelsea headquarters, but has struggled to coordinate as their members all want to keep to themselves.

KLSC chair Genevieve-Rita Iliana Peterson-Eastwood said: “Mistake or not, this is a sign that we are losing this city’s fundamental identity, the very essence of our passive aggressive culture. 

“Which is fine I suppose if that’s what you all really want.”

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